People with avoidant attachment styles have a tendency to stay away from intimacy or to diminish the importance of relationships. They often were neglected: left alone too much as children, rejected by their caregivers, or their parents weren’t present enough (or only present when teaching them some type of task). Those with avoidant attachment have disconnected from their attachment system, so reconnecting to others in safe and healthy ways is extremely important.
For a child who is supposed to be nurtured and soothed by their caregivers, having no one to reach out for having those needs met is terrifying. And, to stay alive, the child learned to repress those needs and pretend like they don’t have any simply because there was no one there to respond to them.
I know that having these survival mechanisms might have contributed to you finding no reasons for building a long-lasting relationship. And by all means, that is a personal choice we all can make.
But my mission here is to share with you the reason why romantic relationships can be nourishing and can actually enhance our good traits, because you probably may be thinking about all the reasons why romantic relationships are actually a distraction and a lot of work. Even the most successful people say they could not be where they are without the secure base provided by their partners. Tony Robbins, the international coach, public speaker and philanthropist who helps millions of couples repair their relationships mentioned in an interview how his wife Sage offers him the safety and security that enabled him to carry on ruthlessly in his professional career. He is one of the millions of examples available that shows us true love replenishes us and creates a safe base for us to thrive and develop our innate strength and capacities.
Some of the people with avoidant tendencies are looking for a relationship and might feel like their intention is to find a good partner for them, yet the only problem is that they cannot find that good enough partner. What happens here is that even though the need for a relationship may come up, we subconsciously still find a way to sabotage it. The way we can do this is by looking for reasons why no partner is good enough, finding ourselves ending every relationship at the first small bump in the road. This is because when we look to escape love no matter what, we will find many opportunities to do so. The work is learning to love people despite their flaws, as no human being on this planet is perfect.
Another trait commonly seen with avoidant attachment style might be the fact they may be unaware of their needs. Let’s not forget that they had to repress their basic needs and emotions early on, so they are so used to repressing them that they lost touch with what they want and what their needs are.
If you have this attachment style, it is understandable why you repressed your needs and felt overwhelmed with how much your caregivers sometimes burdened you with their emotional turmoil. And this is why you are so terrified by people who seem to want it all from you. Because it felt terrifying back then.
But I want you to know that staying alive is no longer the only goal. You can thrive and you can enjoy receiving and giving a love that is balanced and nourishing. I know that love seemed draining so far, but that was simply because you had to keep it all together and not let yourself feel. Because, how could your inner child think it’s safe to feel when he or she never had those feelings acknowledged and seen early on?
I promise you that romantic love can be nourishing.
I want you to know that sharing these tendencies is simply for awareness purposes – we cannot change what we are unaware of. We all have some insecure traits on a spectrum so please do not feel like there is something wrong with you.
Here are a few steps to begin healing avoidant attachment:
• Understand and come to terms with the fact that the lack of care you received was unfair. But what you do from here is within your power
• Know there is no perfect partner that is going to be exactly what you need. Everyone will have flaws. You just need to differentiate between flaws and red flags. We all love someone who has flaws, and that is okay. We all have our dark side.
• Know that you are going to feel like wanting to run away when you will get close to someone. Your tendency will be to find flaws in them – that will be your weapon to feel at peace with the fact that you want and may run away
• Look at all the reasons why this attachment style is no longer serving you – we all need deep connection and this attachment style may push people away that actually might have been that special someone for you.
You have been hurt. I see you. I feel your pain. That was not right and a child should never have to go through that. You were just a child and you needed to be allowed to have needs.
If you want to learn more on attachment styles, the attachment course comprises all the tools to heal your attachment trauma, to reprogram your beliefs around love and to heal the pursuer distancer dynamic, there is a container teaching you exactly this here: https://mindfultricks.teachable.com/p/how-to-heal-insecure-attachment-styles
With all the love